Click for Content Warnings
- Grief and references to past trauma
- Stereo audio (audio which sounds different in each headphone)
- Distorted vocal effects (echoing, heavy reverberation)
- Static
- Loud Crashes/shattering glass/crockery
- Panic/distress
- Sounds of emotional distress (crying, gasping breaths)
- Magical gaslighting
Transcript
The red light is glowing like the beady eye of the beast, and the door opens and opens and opens, and you know whats on the other side? I am. I’ve done it! We’re on the air. Welcome to Spirit Box Radio!
[INTRO MUSIC, BUT IT’S WRONG AND THERE ARE LITTLE BURSTS OF STATIC IN IT]
Hello, faithful listeners, welcome to the Spirit Box Radio advice and community segment, where we interrupt our continuous broadcast to talk to you, our wonderful listeners.
If you missed our announcements earlier in the week, you are probably expecting the dulcet tones of Madame Marie. Unfortunately, she has not returned from wherever she’s gone to. But listeners, I am just so excited to be here filling in for her! I can’t tell you how thrilling it is to sit here at Madame Marie’s own microphone, with this stack of increasingly illegible notes which Madame Marie had the good sense to write out before she vanished.
Ah, psychics! They do come in handy from time to time.
Madame Marie has also extensively labeled everything in the recording room with post-it notes, so I’ll be able to manage the technical side at the very least. I have to say some of the notes do feel somewhat unnecessary, like the one on the back of the chair that just says ‘chair’. Madame Marie does like her little jokes, you see?
[SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH]
I do have some. Well, I wouldn’t say it’s good news, exactly, but it is at least some news about the whereabouts of Madame Marie.
This morning when I went to check the PO Box – despite everything that’s happened that’s still my real job– I found a small, crumpled note at the bottom. It reads as follows:
[A STRANGE RATTLING, RUMBLING SOUND CUTS IN, BUT IS ABRUPTLY CUT OFF]
Dear Sam, thanks for standing in and taking the over the show for me whilst I’m on my little trip. It’s going to go great! You have such a solid grasp of Arcanism and we’ve been preparing you all your life for this moment, and now you’re completely ready for it. I believe in you. Lots of love, from mum. PS, I left you some cookies in the drawer under the desk.
Awh, thanks for the cookies, M! They are delicious! They taste like chocolate and clouds. Mm.
Well, now that has been addressed, I’ll return to our usual programming. First, the augury forecast for this week, which I will share with you now.
Storm.
Storm.
Storm.
Storm.
Storm.
Um. No. That’s not– there was. I. I’m sure there was something else. Oh well! This concludes the augury forecast for this week. Right. Okay. Now, letters.
Before Madame Marie left, we received a letter in our P.O. box from an unknown sender, asking for an opinion on their fiancee. The sender says… um.
Um.
The sender says something about their fiance being really indecisive! They need to pick out uh–
[PAPERS SHUFFLE]
Bridesmaid dresses! Yeah, that’s it. Bridesmaid’s dresses. Okay. So you need to draw a circle, that’s what you need.
Wait hang on, she responded to this one, didn’t she. Where is it? Oh.
Here’s what Madame Marie says, anonymous letter writer!
Relationships are all about give and take, and like all things, once a balance is lost, it can be incredibly difficult to restore.
Um, actually no you know what, are you out there listening, letter writer? Yeah? Well I’m pretty sure you’re not having any relationship problems now anyway so it’s fine really. Actually I specifically made it so you weren’t. So. Yeah. I don’t. Yeah. There you go, I hope that helps!
REVEL: Meeeaaawwooo.
SAM: No, no, you’re not here yet, you don’t show up for ages.
REVEL: Meep.
SAM: Go away.
REVEL: Mrrrr.
SAM: Ehem. Sorry about that interruption, faithful listeners, um.
Spirit Box Radio is actually broadcast from this little studio in the house I live in with Madame Marie! It’s really lovely. I. Yeah! There are two microphones hung over a large desk. One of them is M’s mic, and the other one is for guests. That’s the one I’m using now, because it’s the one I’ve used before when M’s had me come on to do guest slots!
Maybe I should call her mum more. But. It feels. Weird. No. It’s fine, M’s fine, anyway, yeah so I’m at the guest mic, and I’ve got a big mug of coffee with me because it’s the middle of the night, so I’d usually be asleep right now unless M needed me for a guest slot! I sleep at normal human sleeping times like most people do. Yeah!
M’s desk is covered with— M’s desk chair is this massive chintz thing with swivel wheels on the bottom; it’s really great to swivel around in but actually pretty uncomfortable for working from for hours at a time, so if the floor were to like, collapse into a void and the whole house was going to catch on fire I probably wouldn’t mind the chair being gone actually. Not that that’s going to happen, because why would it happen, you know? Um. Yeah. Not the biggest fan of M’s chair but she liked it – likes it – so it’s still here!
Gosh, imagine if the studio was in a basement and I wasn’t allowed in there at all that’d be so annoying. Anyway, next to me is the fax machine which I’ve never actually seen working, and the recording machine, who’s never got any crumbs in her and is like. Not even slightly having an existential crisis, are you.
RECORDING MACHINE: Existential crisis? Couldn’t be me.
SAM: Wonderful. Okay. So.
There’s also the crystal ball which is a normal crystal ball that does the normal things that crystal balls should do, and–
REVEL: Mrrp.
SAM: Revel, please! You’re not meant to be here yet; I told you to go away!
[STRANGE HUM, CRACKLING]
[CRACKLING]
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING, WHICH GETS QUIETER, AND FADES INTO STATIC WHICH CRACKLES QUIETLY AND NEVER FULLY FADES. ALL THE CHARACTERS SOUND THIN, LIKE THEIR VOICES ARE COMING OUT OF A RADIO]
[A MUSICAL ALARM RINGS]
[DUVET RUSTLES]
INDI: No, sorry, not ready to get up.
[ALARM STOPS]
KITTY: Come on, the chickens won’t feed themselves, and you know what they get like when we leave them.
INDI: I hate that you’re right. Why are you always right?
KITTY: It’s just the way of the world. Chickens or coffee?
INDI: Coffee. No way am I going out to them. They’re horrible when we’re late feeding them.
KITTY: We’re not late–
[FABRIC RUSTLES]
INDI: We will be.
KITTY: Indi! I love you, but I am not subjecting myself to chicken bites for this.
INDI: Sometimes I think you love those feathery pompoms more than me.
KITTY: Maybe I do.
INDI: I swear you used to be more fun.
[PAUSE]
[DUVET RUSTLES]
INDI: Kitty? What is it?
KITTY: Nothing.
INDI: I know that look. It isn’t nothing.
[FABRIC MOVES]
INDI: I still think you’re great.
KITTY: Because I am. It’s not that.
INDI: Then what?
KITTY: I don’t know. Just. Did I used to be more fun?
INDI: I still think you’re fun.
KITTY: No… I… do you ever feel like, I don’t know. Like you can’t remember what happened, before all of this?
INDI: All of what?
KITTY: You and me. This place.
INDI: Home? We moved here, um.
[DUVET RUSTLES]
KITTY: Right? You can’t remember either.
INDI: No, I guess not. But that’s okay.
KITTY: No, like. When did we move here, Indi?
INDI: I don’t know. Come on, I’ll go and feed the chickens. You put the coffee on.
KITTY: Remember Nugget needs–
INDI: Needs the supplements, I know.
[INDI GETS UP]
[KITTY SIGHS]
REVEL: Mrrrow.
KITTY: Oh. Hello cat. Do we have a cat?
REVEL: Mrah!
KITTY: Okay, okay! Sorry! I didn’t mean to insult your sensibilities.
REVEL: Mrrrr.
[TAPPING SOUNDS]
KITTY: Hey, leave the radio alone!
REVEL: MRRAH!
[STATIC, SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING]
SAM: On the table next to the microphone tree is the telegram and the scrying mirror, and loads of other stuff and.
M will be back. She will be back! Eventually, she’ll be back because I’m going to find a way.
[GLASS TINKLES]
[SAM SOUNDS FAKE AND LIKE HE’S PUTTING ON A PERFORMANCE, AND ALSO TRYING NOT TO CRY]
Oh, no! Listeners, I have just knocked the small box of broken hand mirrors Madame Marie likes to keep on the desk!
And poking out of the side I have found a small note card, the same as the one that–
The same as the one that came with Madame Marie’s imminent loss bouquet– bouquet. It has the same design on the back, a little sketch of some flowers, and the same name, Hatfield Karpos, which is the florist who puts these together.
[LITTLE SIGH]
This note simply says ‘miss you’, and then at the bottom, just ‘O’, which definitely stands for Oliver, because I know him because sometimes I– buy– bouquets— from his— flower shop, and I bring them home for M. Uhh. Um. Well, O-Oliver, I m-miss you too. Um. You. Yeah um. Oliver?
[SPIRIT BOX SOUNDS]
SAM: There you are! We’ve definitely known each other for a really long time. You’re. Hmm. Come on, you’re supposed to say something now. Say something.
[OLIVER’S VOICE IS STRANGE AND ECHOIC]
OLIVER: It’s alright, Magpie.
SAM: Yeah, that’ll do. Great. Not quite on the money but it’s a work in progress. Great. Uh. Don’t you have flowers and things you’re supposed to be tending to?
No?
Just going to stand there and stare at me again?
Okay. We’ll try again later.
[SAM SIGHS]
I’ll get you right eventually. Um.
This brings me up to.
[PAGES TURN]
I can’t pretend to fully understand the way that other people with spiritual gifts function. I know that sometimes Madame Marie runs extensive, hyper detailed thought experiments in the hopes of determining which of several possible futures she was predicted was the one which would actually manifest…
[DEEP BREATH]
This isn’t what. Hmm. This isn’t going like I thought it would at all.
[GETS LOUDER LIKE IT’S THE OUTRO TO THE SHOW]
SAM: No, no! None of that!
[SAM’S MAGIC HUMS AND REVERBERATES]
It’s not the end. It isn’t! I’m not finished!
[MUSIC STOPS]
SAM: So rude. I’m in charge. The show’s not over until I say the show is over. Is that clear? Oh, it’s very hard to think properly. There’s so many stories I’m weaving at once, right now. It’s hard to stay on track with the… the show thing. To weave my own. This is what makes me happiest. This is when I was happiest.
[SAM SIGHS]
So maybe I should start again? Yeah. I’ll try it again.
Okay, attempt number, um…
How many attempts is this? Cosmo?
COSMO: Mrrrn.
SAM: One thousand and eight. Right. Well. Let’s go again anyway.
[MAKING HUM RISES]
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING, WHICH GETS QUIETER, AND FADES INTO STATIC WHICH CRACKLES QUIETLY AND NEVER FULLY FADES. ALL THE CHARACTERS SOUND THIN, LIKE THEIR VOICES ARE COMING OUT OF A RADIO]
[SAM’S VOICE IS QUIET, MONOTONE]
SAM: Anna and Arlo are happy. Their home is a happy home. They have everything they need. They see things eye to eye. There is a soft rug on the floor in the living room. Outside is a forest, with a soft floor. There are animals in the forest you can hear but not see.
[SAM REPEATS THIS, QUIETLY, ANNA AND ARLO SPEAK OVER HIM]
ARLO: (distantly) Anna? Is that you?
ANNA: Is what me?
ARLO: (closer) Are you listening to the radio again?
ANNA: It just turned on by itself.
ARLO: Hmm, sounds very likely indeed. Come on, you know it gives you a headache.
ANNA: Yes, that’s– that’s right. It gives me a headache.
ARLO: Are you alright, sweetie?
ANNA: Yes, why?
ARLO: You’re washing the jars again.
ANNA: Oh. I suppose I am. Sorry.
ARLO: You don’t need to apologise! It’s okay. Did they seem dirty again?
ANNA: I poured myself some water and I could taste… I don’t know. It was just wrong.
ARLO: I’m sorry. Oh, I know! We can go to the stream, we’ll take the clay mugs. It’s a beautiful day.
ANNA: It is. Beautiful.
ARLO: Like you!
ANNA: Oh, stop!
ARLO: I’d never.
ANNA: It’s always so beautiful.
ARLO: So, stream time?
ANNA: Alright then.
ARLO: Wonderful! I’ll grab the mugs from the bedroom.
ANNA: Okay—
[STATIC RISES]
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING]
[SAM’S VOICE IS CLEAR AS NORMAL]
SAM: It comes and goes, like everything comes and goes, the feeling of falling. Like sometimes I’m just standing here, and I can feel the ground under my feet, but at the same time it’s nothing and I’m just, I’m falling, I’m falling down, and I–
[OLIVER’S VOICE IS STRANGE AND ECHOIC]
OLIVER: It’s alright, Magpie.
SAM: I– oh. I forgot you were there. I don’t know that it is alright. You’re not right.
[OLIVER’S VOICE IS STRANGE AND ECHOIC]
OLIVER: Everything is going to be alright.
SAM: Yeah. Come here. Hmm. Not quite there yet. I can almost touch you, but. Ugh. No, it’s fine, I’ll get it in the end. Everything will be alright. I can fix it.
Maybe I should do something. To distract myself. I’ll read some letters from listeners—
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING, WHICH GETS QUIETER, AND FADES INTO STATIC WHICH CRACKLES QUIETLY AND NEVER FULLY FADES. ALL THE CHARACTERS SOUND THIN, LIKE THEIR VOICES ARE COMING OUT OF A RADIO]
KITTY: —- and then I thought maybe we could take the bow down to the forest, what do you think?
INDI: Are you going to let me shoot something this time?
KITTY: I let you shoot things last time, too, you just didn’t.
INDI: I will not stand for this slander.
KITTY: Slander, is it?
INDI: It is. I’m a fantastic archer. You were just distracting me.
KITTY: Of course, my mistake, there was me thinking you just had terrible aim because you have terrible aim. Have you finished making the sandwiches?
INDI: Oh, yeah. Grab the pop from the fridge, would you?
REVEL: Mrrr.
KITTY: Oh, gods! Cat!
REVEL: Moop.
INDI: Oh yeah, cat.
KITTY: Did you see it come in?
INDI: Uh, no.
KITTY: Weird.
REVEL: Mrr.
INDI: Maybe we always had a cat?
KITTY: No. No, I think we’d have noticed that, wouldn’t we?
INDI: Dunno.
KITTY: Hmm.
INDI: I don’t mind either way as long as he doesn’t eat the chickens. He looks big enough to swallow them whole.
KITTY: Yeah, he does. Pretty cat though.
INDI: He’d also make a pretty nice coat, look at all that hair.
REVEL: Mrr!
INDI: What’s he doing?
KITTY: I don’t know, he keeps punching the radio like he’s Rocky Balboa.
INDI: Who’s Rocky Balboa?
KITTY: Oh– oh my god. I can’t believe you don’t know who Rocky is. I’m a failure of a girlfriend. We’re not taking the bow out, we’re watching Rocky right now.
INDI: Oh, gods, not this again.
KITTY: It’s not my fault you lived under a rock, sometimes you really remind me of…
INDI: Of who?
KITTY: I. I don’t know.
REVEL: MRAH!
INDI: What a dick!
[LITTLE CRASH]
REVEL: Mrrp.
INDI: Hey, not the sandwiches–
[CROCKERY SHATTERS]
KITTY: Ouch! That was my foot you bastard!
[SOMETHING ARCANE SHIMMERS AND TINKLES]
KITTY: Uh. What?
INDI: Are those… roses petals?
KITTY: Where did they come from? Where did the sandwiches go?
REVEL: Mrrn.
INDI: Kitty. You know the food in the fridge?
KITTY: Yes.
INDI: Where did it come from?
REVEL: Mrah!
KITTY: Oi, no, come back!
[CLATTER]
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING]
SAM: –it’s just that. I keep working at it but I just can’t figure out how to make it so I can touch you. And I swear something else is off, Oliver, you don’t look perfect and you’re supposed to be perfect, okay? So. Hmm. What is it, what’s off about—
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING, WHICH GETS QUIETER, AND FADES INTO STATIC WHICH CRACKLES QUIETLY AND NEVER FULLY FADES. ALL THE CHARACTERS SOUND THIN, LIKE THEIR VOICES ARE COMING OUT OF A RADIO]
SAM: — a happy home. They have everything they need. They see things eye to eye. There is a soft rug on the floor in the living room. Outside is a forest, with a soft floor. There are animals in the forest you can hear but not see. Anna and Arlo are happy. Their home is a…
[SAM REPEATS THIS, QUIETLY, ANNA AND ARLO SPEAK OVER HIM]
ARLO: Anna!
ANNA: Oh, sorry. I. Does he sound familiar to you?
ARLO: Of course he does, Anna. He’s the host. He’s on all the time. I’ve got the mugs; let’s go down to the stream.
ANNA: Oh! A cat!
ARLO: Hello, large cat!
REVEL: Mrah!
SAM, ON THE RADIO: Revel! Get back here!
ANNA: Oh my, gods did you hear–
[SPIRIT BOX SKIPPING]
[SAM’S VOICE IS CLEAR AS NORMAL]
SAM: What did I tell you about going into their bubbles?
REVEL: Mrrrrr.
SAM: I know I told you not to be here but there are literally thousands of other people you could have visited, and you chose them! I specifically told you not to.
REVEL: Mreep!
SAM: I will command you not to visit them again if I catch you one more time, and I really, really don’t want to have to do that Revel, do you understand me?
REVEL: Mrn.
SAM: Oh, it’s like that is it? You going to sulk for the rest of the day then?
REVEL: Mrrrrrwwwn.
SAM: You’re sick of today?! Well, fine! It can be night if you want.
[CRACKLING, AND A LOW MAGIC HUM]
REVEL: Mrn.
SAM: You don’t want it to be night either?
REVEL: Mrrwwwn.
SAM: Oh. You just don’t want it to be here. Right. I get it. You know, you don’t have to spend eternity hanging out with me, I can make you your own place if you want. Loads of mice to chase or whatever you like.
REVEL: Mrrppp.
SAM: I’m not alone. I have all the listeners. They’re listening. It’s fine.
REVEL: Mreep.
SAM: I’m fine, Revel. I’m completely fine.
REVEL: Mrn!
SAM: Yes I know the Oliver isn’t perfect but it’s a work in progress so if you could be a tiny bit less judgemental–
REVEL: Mrrawwn!
SAM: No. You know that’s not possible. He made it pretty clear he didn’t want to see me anymore when he broke up with me, or did you forget about that?
REVEL: Mrrrrnnnn.
SAM: Okay. Well. Look. I’m going to do the first broadcast again, and you can stay and join in if you’re going to stop being annoying about it.
REVEL: Mrrah?
SAM: I know you weren’t there, but I’m like god here or whatever so I guess you can be there if you want. If it’ll make you shut up and stop bothering my sisters. They’re happier where they are, okay?
REVEL: Mrp.
SAM: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Alright. Ehem.
[INTRO MUSIC]
[SAM TAKES A DEEP BREATH]
SAM: The red light is glowing like the beady eye of the beast, and along with the prickling feeling I usually get when I’m about to make a horrible mistake, I– I…
SAM: I did the right thing, didn’t I? Didn’t I.
[CRACKLING]
[STATIC]
[A WIND BLOWS THROUGH TREES]
SAM: I fixed it. I fixed everything.
[STATIC]
A WHISPER, ECHOING: Samael.
SAM: Shut up, I can’t hear you.
Um.
Okay, I. I think that’s enough for today, actually. Yeah. I’m. Yeah.
Goodnight.
[END]
Hanging Sloth 